Everybody Gets a Blog

You know what we need more of? We need more stuff telling us how awesome New York is.

I know, it might seem a little bit strange to set out specifically to make a movie about one city out of all the places in the world, but I'm worried that New Yorkers will start going through withdrawal if somebody doesn't bring out a completely pointless film to spooge all over them every five minutes. With Woody Allen in semi-retirement, we might be set upon by under-spooged Manhattanites at any minute.

Seriously, I don't understand what everybody's fixation is with the place. I mean, I can understand how it would look really cool if you were some immigrant from a third-world country (like Italy), but it's not just immigrants.

Just think about it. San Diego is a great place to live, but can you imagine any San Diegan saying — without irony — "I am proud to live in the greatest city in the world"? No. That's because they have some perspective and realize that a city is pretty much just a city.

I actually went to New York once, expecting to find a magical Utopia where everybody shits gold. You know what I found? A CITY.

And if you ask people to back up their claims about what makes this city so much better than the other 500 million in the world, after they get done gushing about how it's a "melting pot" (Wow! You mean they have blacks AND whites there? TOGETHER?) and how there are "things to do" (It's about time somebody invented those), the best they can come up with is how they came back from the 9/11 attacks.

Yeah, wonderful. They did a great job during those ensuing months of not having any attacks on them at all. No other city would have the bravery to do pretty much the only thing it could possibly do. Why, if Chicago had been attacked, the entire state of Illinois would have just jumped on their backs like possums. (Possible state motto: "New York — We're not like possums!") And shouldn't Washington be getting the same attention, then?

But the worst part isn't even all the talk about New York. It's how it turns seemingly worthwhile human beings into simpering panders.

"Dear New York," the Beastie Boys write, "this is a love letter."

A love letter? How much of an estrogen junkie does a rapper have to be to write a love letter? While 50 Cent is off singing about his magic stick, all they can come up with is, "New York, you can make it happen!" Way to write a Hallmark card, guys.

A friendly heads-up to all the rappers of the world: If you find that your latest creation has the same theme as a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, you might want to consider another career. Hey, you've already got all the skills needed for the world's oldest profession.